Why the geek slashed the carcass

Not being any kind of geek with a slasher past, this question is not easily answered. The police statement said there was no history of carcass possession, misappropriation or attempted purchase.

Any connection with Jenny Cadaver, a distant cousin, could most certainly also be ruled out.

Who’s going to blow the whistle on James Entwistle, the geek who became known for this ghastly deed?

Now, if the carcass had slashed the geek, that would have caused much more of an uproar in the town of Slanderbach, Ohio.

– James Steerforth (© 2014)

Written around the words geek, slash and carcass from 3WW.

Posted in Bland observations, Creative writing, Enigma, Flash fiction, Literature, Nonsense, Sweet dreams and nightmares, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

That trendy thing

(Why subliminal advertising works)

Potential customer enters store.
“I’d like ten Fruit candies, please.”
Store owner rummages.
“Here you go!”
“These are not Fruit candies.”
“Oh yes, they are: red cherry, dark cherry, frutti di bosco, lemon, lime, pineapple, etc. All fruits.”
“But they are not from the Fruit company.”
“Sorry, we don’t carry those.”
“But they are widely advertised.”
“I’m sure you’d be happy with these. My own children love them.”
“They are not the same. Everybody eats Fruit nowadays. Ever watch movies? Even in the movies everybody eats them.”
“The taste of these is very good. And, as you can see, this company uses only natural flavorings.”
“But they are not seen on TV.”
“They are also much less expensive. Besides being delicious.”
“They are not what kids want now. Only Fruit is Fruit. Why, they’re even patented!”
Store owner turns around.
“And so is my ass. See that? A-S-S TM. Fully in trend and all my own.”
Gasp and exit.

– James Steerforth (© 2014)

Posted in Creative writing, Flash fiction, Fun, Life, Literature, Nonsense, Rant, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Iridescent Amazons on Mars

Iridescent Amazons on Mars (flash fiction by J. Steerforth, 2014)The problem with these new ones is that you can’t slay them. They send out such a glare that they’re upon you before you know where to aim your PAIL*. It’s happened to me (I’m reporting from the nether world). Listen to me: run when you see an iridescent blur!

– James Steerforth (© 2014)

*Pellet Ambush Ionizing Liquefier

Posted in Creative writing, Enigma, Flash fiction, Literature, Nonsense, Science fiction, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Rosa Andante

Johannes Beilharz, Rosa Andante (drawing, 2014)Rosa Andante, ink drawing by Johannes Beilharz (2014)

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At a Roman bar, Tuesday morning

Hair washed and combed today, new shirt and pants, first time since Anna left. But still that downcast hostile glare at the world, caffè corretto and not a word except for ciao grazie.

– James Steerforth (© 2014)

33 words for Trifecta about love gone wrong, avoiding love, sad, tears, wept, heart, pain.

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A mill of particulars

From my diary

Green, crumbly dog turds in the entrance to no. 42. Noticed during this morning’s walk and stuck in my mind for some reason.
Puddles from last night’s rain. (Wrote “puggles” originally, which seems like something out of Harry Potter. Never read beyond H.P. no. 2 beyond approx. page 44. Was forced to see one of the movies by my girlfriend at the time, who thought she was doing me a favor. But I digress.)
The twitch in my right eyelid persists. Gets worse when I imbibe caffeine (coffee or black tea).
Who wants to know all these details?
A while ago I read in a diary from about 10 years ago, a part that was all about my love trials and tribulations at the time. Feelings gone stale which now seem all but incomprehensible but which were apparently enormously important to me at the time.
There’s work waiting. Several mails from the bane queen of sticklerism waiting to be answered. Better get to it.
Depressed and fuzzy yesterday because of not getting things done in our gorgeous new job management system which is cumbersome, slow, error-prone and annoying. Its inflexibility makes it hard to get even small jobs done efficiently. Obviously programmed by some sharp data minds myopically focused on the idea that everything can be automated.
Better get back to work. To that annoying p.o.s., which is best at crashing and kicking you out when you’re in the middle of a complex step that took forty minutes to set up.
Don’t you just love (the working) life in all its variety.

– James Steerforth (© 2013)

Not really written for 3WW, but does contain the words depressed, fuzzy and sharp called for this time around.

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A circle game

“You called, Mr. Albertini?”
The boss turned around in his massive leather armchair.
“I know it’s a daunting task, Fred.”
“I’ve never been known to shirk any responsibility.”
“I know your work is fastidious, Fred, but this time you’ll have to surpass yourself.”
“I always do.”
“You’ll have to intensify your efforts.”
“Be happy to, boss.”
“Ok, thank you, Fred.”
“Err, boss?”
“Yes, what now, Fred?”
“What exactly is the task you’re talking about?”
The boss tapped his marble desktop with the pencil he was holding.
“This is exactly what I’m talking about, Fred … What time did you clock in today?”
“7:59 on the dot.”
The boss looked at his gold watch.
“And now it is 10:18. You’ve been having such a great time having caffè and cornetto plus chatting with Chiara and assorted other females that you haven’t had a chance to notice the folder on your desk. Now get out of here, Fred, and do your job. And no more errs, ifs or buts.”
“Mr. Albertini –”
“The alternative is getting fired, Fred. And I’m serious this time.”
“Yes, boss.”
Fred went to his cubbyhole. There was a big fat brown folder on his desk.

A little while later Fred was having an early lunch at the canteen with the charming and pretty Chiara.
“… So I tell myself lunch is coming up, no need to get started on that one now,” Fred said, tearing apart his roll.
“You should be more careful, Fred. You will get kicked out eventually.”
Intensify my efforts my ass. First he should intensify my salary.”
Chiara sighed. She liked Fred – he was always cheerful and funny. But everyone in the office – with the possible exception of the boss, who seemed to have an endless amount of patience and an infinite belief in the ultimate goodness of all parts of mankind – knew that he was all words and zero action.
When he casually put his hand on hers on the table, she instantly shook it off.

– James Steerforth (© 2013)

Written for 3WW using the words daunting, fastidious and intensify.

Posted in Creative writing, Flash fiction, Life, Writing | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments